Three years later, my body looks exactly how I pictured it to look when I was younger. It has been a fun journey, so far. Here’s to many more years of growth as a human.
The wonderful thing about tiggers, is tiggers are wonderful things
Ever find a pretty little lady at a bar, the type of look that screams of arm candy, the type of skin that longs to be unzipped, only to find out that she’s an empowered woman? Well, woow no longer, man friend! Just follow these simple steps to cure your feminist.
Step 1: win her over. Do this by pretending you care about women. Example: replace the word tits with the word equality and resume normal conversation. “I love equality. I wish that women didn’t have to hide their equality. I really wanna snort cocaine off of some drunk girl’s equality.”
Step 2: open her eyes. Girls are basically designed to be brainwashed, it’s how they became feminists in the first place, too many strong willed women in their past or something. Reverse this nasty little habit with subliminal messaging. Example: place a tube of lipstick in your medicine cabinet. She will soon feel inadequate to the woman you are presumably cheating on her with. This will convince her, nay force her, into acting like a more civilized, submissive girl.
Step 3: treat her right. Now, let’s not get crazy here, you don’t actually have to treat her right but if you buy her things while you quietly undermine her Ford Explorer and combat boots, she will start to think of this as positive reinforcement, like a dog. Soon, when you insult her, she will ask you to pick up the check.
Step 4: put her on a diet of cigarettes and hairspray until her waist is an apple core. Tell her she has never looked more ravishing.
Step 5: buy a trophy case. You will need a place to store her pelvic bone and the pre notch bed post.
Step 6: show her what you are capable of. Come home covered in another man’s blood, dragging a chunk of his muscle in your mouth, make her clean up the mess.
Step 7: build her a bomb shelter. Tell her the world is not wondering where she is, fashion a dog collar out of broken glass, lock her up like the good licker.
Step 8: give her a new name. First whisper it in the crook of her neck until her muscles have committed it to memory. Then shout it in the belly of her bedroom until the echo haunts her sleep. Finally scratch into her back while you fuck her, like branding your favorite ball gag. It is proof that nothing is sacred, that no backbone is too straight to be snapped into submission, that every layer of skin can be clawed of, nothing before this mattered. She never even existed without you.
I also love how girls start shit talking off like ‘okay so Nicole like I love her, I adore her, she’s great and awesome and beautiful but like….’
"You’re 6’4", 240-pound Marine, and you’re injured, and you need a Marine next to you to carry you back to safety, and the Marine next to you is a 5’4" woman who weighs 115 pounds,"
in before “well most women can’t do that” because NEWS FLASH most men can’t either, that’s why it’s a highly specialized career that requires a lot of devoted training
One of my former coworkers was a very slim girl only a tad taller than me, and she was training to be a fireman, and she could lift the biggest dude on my crew like this who was around 6’5 and super bulky.One time she picked him up and ran around the crew room with him for about 5 minutes before letting him down.
Even though I haven’t exercised in over a year—if you count DDR—and I’m incredibly petite (5’0”, 100 lbs), I can carry most guys. If they’re under 200 lbs, I can run with them on my back for 5 blocks, but I can walk for a mile. Once they’re about 250, I can only walk about a block or two before my spine feels like it’s about to break. If I were in a survival situation and their life depended on it, I could go on much further, until my legs gave out.
It’s why I hate the bullshit that women are inherently weak. Nah, man. Nah.
More power to you all because I can barely lift my five year old nephew without hating myself ten minutes later….
People have done studies of the military that demonstrate that with the same training for the same length of time, both men and women can achieve the same fitness level. They can carry as much, run as far, shoot as well, you name it. The idea that women are weaker than men is a total myth, and one that that the patriarchy is desperate to make us believe. (I wish I could give you a source for this but it’s been a while since I read it)
i have never seen something more clearly written by a straight white male
Where dear ol’ Don Pardo hits on Amy.
In a related story, once again Tina makes sure we all know Amy is hers.
i get so happy when people come to me and asks about video games like
yES ask me about video games, talk to me about video games, laugh with me about video games, cry with me about video games, breathe video games with me…
i love video games